okay.. so that last entry is not a good representation of who i am today. i`ve definatly changed.

the most important thing in my life.. is god. and before.. i never even thought of it. i was saved in may & have been living life completely different as before.

and maybe when i`m not so tired & sick.. it`ll be apparent how much i have changed! =)

even though no one reads this and i like it that way! (well no one i know personally, at least)

well, goodnight & godbless!

Life sucks.

Boys. Blah. A while ago, I started talking to this guy, Zach. He is a really nice guy. I like him and what not. He likes me, and he was going to ask me out this week. But He didn't. Thank the lord. Why? Because I also really like this other guy. This other guy is really funny and kind and just something about him. So I`ve been confused. I like them both, but I`m starting to like this other guy more then Zach. I don't want to hurt Zachs feelings. The thing is, I KNOW I have a chance with Zach, but I don't know if I do with the other guy. I also feel obligated to Zach because I started things with him, and all my friends. They all say to "go with him" and are pushing him to ask me out, which makes me feel obligated. That is no way to start a "relationship".

I also still have a "thing" for that other guy,older then me. I think I always will, though. Everyday is a reminder I have absolutly NO CHANCE with him..

Also, Home life.. Sucks. It's like I am a nobody in this house. I don't have feelings. No one understands me in this house, and it's hard because neither do any of my friends. I`m just so stressed out right now, and I`m not sure what to do, anymore. I`m still not over Ian Joey Dustin and Josh's deaths. It's so hard to deal with, and I can't get over it, or let it go. School is horrible. My grades are horrible, for me. I am in track now, and I don't like it at all. I just can't "stay strong" much longer. Sooner or later, I`m going to do something stupid because of all this, I just don't know what....

Okay, So Friday. I had school. That was boring. After school. I came home. Talked online. Then picked becky up a little before 5. We drove over to Sarah's lot thing. And parked there, spied on her a bit. Then drove to the back of the lot, and went through the woods. It led us to the bowling alley. Then We started going back, through the woods, and saw a wolf, so we just walked the long way - not in the woods! lol So then we were bumpin`, pimpin`, dancin`, wavin`, actin` crazy in my car waiting for Sarah to get home, but I guess she was home and saw us. lol It was a lot of fun, though. So then we chilled at Sarah's for a bit. Then went to Taco Bell, Then to McDonalds, Then to the Bowling Alley. We danced in the parking lot. Had our music loud. Listened to old music, which sarahs never heard before.. weirdo, like britney spears, jewel, dream, ETC. It was great. =) We were singing and dancing like we never sang/danced before! HAH. Then we went into the bowling alley, went into BOTH of their bathrooms, walked through the whole bowling alley.. then left. lol In which we then went to 180 and then to northstar. Then acted like crazy fools in the parking lot (driving).. but safely! And scared a bunch of people. Haha. FUNNNNNNN. So then we went to Steak in Shake. Mike Tony Scott and Josh was there. But we did not eat with them. I then saw Brandon there. We ate Fries and Milkshakes. PS. I ate something from all places we went to that had food products. Yep I am a pig. Plus I had FREAKING AWESOME COOKIES! Anyways. After Steak & Shake I took Sarah home. Then Becky and I got in the car with Mike Tony and Scott. That was fun. Scary, but Fun. Then I took Becky home. and Then I came home. That was my friday.

Today I have a swim meet. Hmph. fun.

        Wow. So much happened this weekend. But, The one day that is stuck in my head.. Friday. I started the day off by going Christmas Shopping with my Aunt. It was uneventful, very fun, and relaxing. Once I got home from shopping, I cleaned up the house until my cousin and her boyfriend came over for a visit. This was the last time I would see them before they left to go back home in Nevada. Once they left. I got on the internet. I needed to see what was going on tonight, because Mike, Becky, Scott, and I made plans. Well, Scott and Mike picked me up at 8. We then went and got Becky. Our plans were to just drive around and do whatever until midnight. Well, we ended up playing Padiddle. What is padiddle you ask? You see a car without it's headlights on, you call out padiddle. The last person to hit the roof has to take an item of clothes off. Well, I lost. I was in the front with Sam and Mike and Becky were in the back. They were making out the whole 4-4 1/2 hours. So, We came up with the rule that once you have lost, when you miss a padiddle you makeout with the other person. I ended up making out with Sam, twice.  But, Yeah. I know that makes me sound like a whore. But I'm really not.

      I've had a crush on Sam for a while. He is too old for me though. . He has no interest in me. Ashley broke up with him a month or so ago. She wants to get back with him so bad. He doesn't know if he should get back together with her or not. I don't know what will go on there, either way, I guess it doesn't really matter for me. . I don't know what she would do or how she would feel if she knew about Friday. I'm not sure, but I don't think I really want to know. Next time I see Sam, I'm hoping it won't be awkward or weird. We'll see how it is.

I am pathetic.

Wow ; It's been a long time since I wrote in this thing. That is probably because I forgot the name & password. Which is because I am pretty stupid. Ohwell. Onto more important things.

Cross Country season is over. I got a PR on my last two meets.
I'll be working hard to get on Varsity next season. I've gone to a few
winter conditionings. It's hard to run in the cold, but I try.

I've joined the swimteam. It is really hard, but I try.
I feel like the retard on the team sometimes, because it takes me forever
to get things right sometimes.  Oh well. I am proud of myself doing
something that I've never done before. Which I did with CrossCountry.

Ohwell enough about that.

I went to Homecoming. I didn't have a date. I just went with my friend Megan. It was okay. I looked okay. But, whatever. I danced. Even though, I can't dance.

The guy I wrote about in the previous entry, that was on the CC team. Well. About a month ago, he asked me out. We didn't last long, only 2 and a 1/2 weeks. It was fun while it lasted. He said I was too shy. Also, He told someone else something else. Pretty much, I wasn't having sex with him. So whatever. I still like him.

A lot of drama came along with me and him going out. This girl, Megan. Whom was my friend, wasn't very happy about us. She talked shit about me behind my back. Stuff like "I can't believe she did this to me" and "I don't know why he picked her over me" Etc. Also, Another girl Sierra.  Who liked him and is friends with me. I think she was jelous of us. She tried "warning" me about him, like I didn't know anything. She also said a bunch of mean shit to me. We are/were fighting. But, whatever.

Okay.

Now, there is a new guy. He is really cute. He's nice. He's polite. He's funny. He's perfect, for me. He is what I've been looking for. He thinks I'm hott, I know this much. What's the problem you ask? He's 19, I'm 16. I don't think he will like me, because he might think I am too young. Duncan was 18. Not much difference. But yeah. I really like this guy. But also, a friend.. somewhat friend. Broke up with him a couple weeks ago, Pretty much same time Duncan and I broke up. She is still in love with him, and I am sure he still loves her. But I don't know, I can't help how I feel. The only person who knows about me liking this guy, is Becky. Well, Mike knows, too. But I didn't tell him.

That is about the only boy problems I have. If you want to call them that. Now onto, the family. The whole family issue is very confusing. We fight all the time. My brother, he drives me crazy. He is always trying to prove that somehow, he is better then me. Whatever I do, he has to do it better. Whatever I say, he has to prove that I am wrong in someway. If I talk about how long my day has been, his day had to be longer. If I talk about how hard practice was, his workout had to be harder. It's like this with everything. He is over the top. He always screams, even if you are in a normal conversation. He never shuts up. He thinks he has his life on track, but really.. he doesn't. He is still the same immature boy he has always been. He thinks he is taking care of his fines and whatnot. But really, it's my mom that is taking care of it all. He doesn't take any responsibility for anything.

My Mom, she doesn't understand me or how I am feeling. She doesn't even care. She is always yelling at me about things. Even if what she is yelling at doesn't make since. I don't know, I dont even know what to say about her anymore.

My Dad. Understands me a bit more. But, Not much better.

Friends. Well, I pretty much have no 'bestfriend'. I don't really have a problem with this. Sara & I just grew apart from each other, you know what I mean? That's just part of life. I`ve been hanging out with Sarah, Becky, Mike, Scott, And Cross Country/Swim Team people a lot lately. Which is good.

Drama is at the bare minimum right now, which is great.

Okay, Well.. I'm done for now.